Friday, August 26, 2005

Al Gore: Global Warming

I just heard that Europe is sending rockets to Venus to learn about global warming. Sigh. This is old news, from old Europa. I already answered these questions definitively in my book. Don't they have Barnes & Nobles in France? My book documents everything there is to know about the greenhouse effect. I've done the hard scientific research myself. Also, didn't they read Ronnie Hubbard's paper on thetans and how life evolved on Earth vs Venus? We don't need another rocket, warming our planet, Monsieur. We already know the answers. Monsieur, let's have fewer rockets, fewer car fires, more lunar power, and more stories about red balloons.

Finally, I would like to add one note of caution. I'm for a strong Planetary Federation, and people need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it's just like asking outer space aliens to come invade us. We need to buck up!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Al Gore: Assinine

LONDON (Reuters) - Global warming poses an enormous ethical challenge because countries that produce the least amount of greenhouse gases will suffer the most from climate change, scientists said on Wednesday. "Those most at risk from global warming are also those least responsible for causing the problem," said Jonathan Patz of the UW-Madison's Nelson Institute for Environmental Studies.

Patzy, this is a good example of people not thinking outside the box. If those countries that produce the least greenhouse gases will suffer the most, then clearly the solution is to have them produce more greenhouse gases. See, Patz, that's why you work for the Nelson Institute and not the Patz Institute. There was an ethical problem and I solved it. I'm a problem solver. I solve problems. Yep, I'm Mr. Fixer.... What? Great Caesar's Ghost! No, Tipper, I will not fix the toilet. You make a mess, you... hire a plumber, woman, jez.

When the UN finally recognizes the work of my team at Al Gore Labs, I believe an appropriate response would be the awarding of the Nobel Prize in Horticulture. Maybe, this year to celebrate all the trees, for the first time in a dozen years, we'll get a Christmas tree. Maybe I'll get a Hummer. Probably shouldn't write that.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Al Gore: Sushi

Why, oh, why did I not invent sushi. I tell you it is good ol boy food. We have rice and rice in tennessee. When I was doin' all my inventing, at Al Gore Laboratories, why didn't I invent sushi? Damn those Japanese cooks. I could have invented sushi. Why just last night I invented the Tennessee Roll -- rice, fish, avocado. I took a picture too, to prove it.

Damn! My thumb was on the lens. Shut up Tipper. She's babbling on that inventing and venting are only two letters apart. Why did they let women into college. Where's the "backspace" key? The one with the arrow says "Enter". I'll try that.