Thursday, September 29, 2005

Al Gore: Dookie

That damn greek Dukkakais keeps leaving messages on my machine, inviting me fishing. Damn Greeks and their fishing. As I always say, there's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot, Mr. Freak Eyebrows. Call Kennedy, he likes the water.

Al Gore: Mindy

Went to the local gym. The trainer at the gym, Mindy, was very helpful. My, oh my. I think Tipper and I have been married enough. Tipper is nothing like Mindy. While working out, my pinky ring was hurting. Since I've put on weight, I need to resize the ring. Mindy says my weight makes me look more regal. Sometimes I take my wedding ring just to look at the tan lines. I do like tan lines. Probably shouldn't write that.

Al Gore: Lyrics

The other day my daughter was out listening to some no good rap music when I distinctly heard these lyrics:
"You and me baby we wear nothin' but flannel,
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"
First off, let me say that I like flannel as well as the next man, probably more, but this cheapening of the flannel industry to some sort of aphrodisiac, well. Al Gore Labs is proud to present: The Flannel Love Seat, available wherever fine furniture is sold. Is the word aphrodisiac racist? Har Har! Colon Powell! That's a cruel parent. I'm a good daddy, aren't I Karenna? Karenna, Karenna, my gosh, our daughter sounds like a Toyota or something! Tipper you moron. Hey, toast's ready!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Al Gore: Not So Secret Guys

Oh, man, these secret service guys they assign me these days are looooooooosers. One used to guard the Surgeon General! Bwahahaha!! C. Evertt "Freakin'"Coop! Oh my gosh. No one respects me. These guys aren't half the man I am. I can out drink, jog, and photoshop them. Did they found the internet?!? Nooooooo. Tipper drools over them, though. She can have them. They'd make a nice couple: Mr. & Mrs. Mall Cop.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Al Gore: Dog Days

Last week Tipper's dog died. It was sad. Not because she died, but because I'd have to get some new bitch at the pound, and there would be crap on the floor for a month until she learns what to do. This house is a bitchfest. Maybe I could get some psycho pitbull and have it 'accidentally' kill Buddy, Bill's girlie dog. Tennessee justice, with a capital T. Well, mostly because it's at the beginning of a sentence, but with a capital T nonetheless.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Al Gore: Movie Review: Corpse Bride

**** I give it 4 Stars! Any movie about a dead wife is all right with me, and Bill.

Al Gore: Google

First off, I'd like to say Google is cooler than Old Spice. I love, love, love typing in my name and seeing all those hits! What am I Burt Backarack! I'm truely glad I started this internet.
But lately, I've been thinking about Google and their slogan of "Do no evil". That's an anagram for "I love Don" and "Dove Loin". Why do they love Don but want to eat dove loins? Inquiring minds.
OK, maybe I'm not so happy about starting this internet. I mean, google knows all about every search I've ever done. How was I to know that doing an image^H^H^H^H^H search for Mondale's hot^H^H^H daughter would be recorded. They gotta warn a guy about that. Do no evil, my tennessee ass. Tipper got right angry at that one. Damn bitch^H^H^Hcomputers.

Al Gore: Al Gore Vidal Sassoon Trifecta

The other day I was watching the Ali G show (Tipper calls it the Al G show) . He had Gore Vidal on and asked him about hair care.

Me's thinks his Julie be thinkin' it be right proper and funny if he be all combinin' it wit' me name to get Al Gore Vidal Sassoon. But then me's does remember....

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Why couldn't that bastard comedian from a crappy two-bit island country have put me in his skit. I was once the second most powerful man in the world. I could have crushed him. I could have. Why didn't he remember me? Why? Shut up Tipper! I'm talking to someone else.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Al Gore: Payback Time

I was a senator from tennessee, tennessee was my home, but tennessee voted for george "pretzel" bush. Un-flippin'-believable. But I'm not bitter. It does not warm my heart and put a skip in my step, and a whistle on my lips, and a smile on my face -- to know that all those hurricans are causin such misery for tennessee. I'm above that. Wonder if I should call that former Miss Tennessee lady that handed me her card. Purely a humaintarian jesture. Shouldn't write that. Damn.