Sunday, October 30, 2005

Al Gore: Newest Cabinet Members

Tipper and I are proud to announce the latest members to our US Governement in Exile. I've appointed Susan Sarandon as my Vice President, Sean Penn as Speaker of the House, Bono as Head of the World Trade Organization, and Sandy Dorris O'Connor as Chief Justice. In the coming days I will be appointing more outstanding progressive leaders to form my government. If you know anyone you think would make a good candidate, email me.

Next week I'm fly down the Florida, for my 8th time, continuing my quest to interview each voter to get an accurate vote of the 2000 election. America deserves no less. Besides, there are some really good gentlemen's clubs down there. Alec, you in?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Bono: Visit to the Whitehouse

So last week I had lunch with President Bush at the White House. It was a real honor and privilege. His knowledge of Irish history was impressive. Before lunch he reenacted the Battle of Clontarf, one the greatest battle of early Irish history, with some chess pieces and some Lucky Charms. Oddly enough, his chef made haggis. I'm Irish hello? Not some girlie-kilt-wearing Scot.

Anywho, he agreed with me on some important issues regarding Africa, and also that Duran Duran pretty much sucked. I gotta love him for that alone.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Yentel

Ahhhhh. Judge Ginsberg just called me to inform me that she'll be taking days off for the jewish holiday of Sukkot. Doesn't she get that I don't work with her any more? Back in the day she insisted on putting up big hannukah decorations all around the office and humming the driedle song. We couldn't get a majority of us to agree that it was unconstitutional. We did get a solid majority at lunch to agree that sutter was a tool for playing john denver albums and we declared them unconstitutional unless he played them with headphones at low volume, and put on a frilly dress.

Al Gore: Great Outdoors

I love the fresh smell of pine trees. It brings out a real manly, full-of-life, carpe-diem feeling. Almost feel like yodeling. The echo is really good here in the bathroom. Bully job on the new Glade air freshener, Maria.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Al Gore: Naked Yoga

So last Sunday I was taking my Naked Yoga (NSFW) class as I always do, when all of a sudden some scallywag reporter shows up and takes pictures. Can't a guy and his naked yoga class have some privacy? One woman told the reporter: “two of the men in the class had erections.” Unbelievable. I most certainly did not. Maybe Bill had one though. Perv.

"Dick" Thalheimer, CEO of "Sharper" Image

I did learn something from the so-called article. Meredith, our instructor, was the head of the Internet division of Sharper Image! OMG, ROTFLMAO! She quit after feeling dead inside. Working with those AL-Gore-wanna-be's, I can understand! Do we really need an ionizing, massaging, cookbook holder?!? Only Tony the Tiger would think that's great. In the meantime, I invented "e-mail" TM (AlGore). Take that, Dick. Maybe Mer could be just the young girl to head my Internet Division. But, man, I don't want to see fustilug Tipper doing naked squats.

Tags: [], [colon hydrotherapy], [], [], [], []

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Phone Call

Souter called, wanting to know what I thought of Harriet Miers. I don't know her, other than through her rambing answering machine messages. I've refused to call her back.

Look Souter, remember how at lunch we all bet on how judge judy would rule? Well, you always did best. See, we didn't have your feminine intuition, Souter. So I think you know Harriet better than I do, from the day you were born with your frilly pink lace.

But this I do know. If Harriet is confirmed, making her junior justice, you'd damn well make her bake cookies, answer the phone, and wear an apron, like we did to you. She might balk at the idea of having to wear a cowboy hat during proceedings, but you need to push it a little.

Al Gore: A.G. Labs: The Beer Flask

It occurred to me that they only make small flasks for hard liquor. I thought, self, why should that be so. And so it was, one brisk winter morning in the house alone, that I came up with the Bodacious Beer Flask, a flask large enough to store 500 metric mLiters of beer in a convenient discrete form, thereby saving X-mas from the Grinch and her booze sniffing mutt. Take that Sharper Image. Nobody, but nobody, out invents Al Gore. The Ionic Breeze is a small cockamamie turd compared to the A.G. Labs's Beer Flask. Bill "President" Clinton wishes he could use a computer like I can! Har har! I bet he uses MS Paint! I have a certificate in CorelDraw and WordStar! I bet those losers at Sharper Image use MS Pain as well. Har! Can my secret service dunces use CorelDraw? No! I'd be willing to bet that mimsy C. Everett "Where's my freakin' moustache?!?" Koop can't do CorelDraw. Losers. All of them. What? Shut up Tipper, I'm on the phone.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Dinner

Had great dinner at Coco's: Fisherman's Platter. The waiter didn't put the dressing on the side. I told his manager that he was out of order, but I couldn't exactly put him in contempt of court, but I could keep my contempt for him!

First time in years I've been enjoying my meals without Judge "Beano" Rehnquist letting one rip. Cretin.

Harriet Miers keeps calling. Who the hell gave her my phone number. I'd like to have a word with them. She keeps calling and leaving these long rambling messages. Something about wanting to set up a needle point group for 'lady jurists'. She'll find out soon enough Justice Souter is her woman. He'd love a needle point partner.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Al Gore: Su-su-sushio

I love the future and I love those oriental people. Let me start by saying that I know my sushis (japanese burritos) and I even came up with the Famous Tennissee Roll. (And ladies, I'm a big fan of Temaki. ;) So let me tell you how poppysmicly excited I am that Al Gore Labs, in partnership with an oriental manufacturer, have come up with a line of sushi making robots. Now before you get scared, Tom Cruise has assured me that these are not the killer robots taking over our thetans with knowledge-responsibility-control triangles. These are friendly oriental robots.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Al Gore: Love is never having to say you are sorry

A few years ago I let the world know a secret of mine -- Tipper and I were the real-life inspiration for the book "Love Story" by Erich Segal. Unfortunately, in a bit of rewriting of history, he disputes this, even claiming not to know us! It hurts that he doesn't remember the long walks we had, or the ice skating in central park, or when I got my first real six-string (I bought it at the five-and-dime), and played it til my fingers bled. That was the summer of '69. Those were the best days of my life.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Bono: Welcome to Me Journal

So last week someone called me up saying he was "President Al Gore". After I hung up a few times it seemed like -- 'ello! -- maybe it was Al Gore. He talked for a while and he said that he had appointed me the head of the "WTO-in-exile". WTF? He said he's forming his exiled government and wants me to head the WTO. I said yes, but only if I don't have to work with that prat Bob Geldof. He then went into a latin diatribe that "Bono Vox" is a corruption of Bona Vox, Latin for "good voice" -- something about nominative and dative declinations. He then asked if I could rename Live 8 to Live Al. Seemed like a right tool to me, but, hey, he's me boss now, ain' he.

Anywho, on this internet journal I hope to document me life -- the good, bad, and the WTO-in-Exile.

Sandra Day O'Connor: Journal Entry 1

Hello!! I'm on the net! Thank you very much to my grandson Thomas for setting up my computer and this space. Thank you Al Gore for allowing me to use your server. I hope to use this journal to document my days post-Supreme Court. Retirement. It sounds good.

Today, after lunch, I rushed home to watch Judge Judy. Isn't she great? Show ended at 4:00 p.m. Gives me time to make it to the Early Bird at Coco's.

Al Gore: Can't sleep

Burritos woke me up. Damn. But the time was 12:34am. Cool, 1234! Tried to wake Tipper up to show her. By the time she finally woke up it was 12:35. Damn. Now I have to wait until 1:23am. If I don't show her by 4:56am, 5:67am won't work because there's no 67 minutes. Why isn't time metric?

Hmm, maybe we could tell time with star date? ...Ann Coulter! Boy, I tell you, I'd like to farfignugen that little philly. Think calming thoughts, think calming thoughts. Focus on her Adam's Apple. Man, why was Eve tempted with that thing? Wake up Tipper, you're snoring like a horse again.

Al Gore: Setting the record straight

In 1999, David Letterman said something that today I want to correct.
Top Ten Other Achievements Claimed By Al Gore
10. Was first human to grow an opposable thumb
9. Only man in world to sleep with someone named "Tipper"
8. Current Vice President - Moesha fan club
7. He invented the dog
6. While riding bicycle one day, accidentally invented the orgasm
5. Pulled U.S. out of early 90's recession by personally buying 6,000 T-shirts
4. Starred in CBS situation comedy with Juan Valdez, "Juan for Al, Al for Juan"
3. Was inspiration for Ozzy Osboune song "Crazy Train"
2. Came up with popular catchphrase "Don't go there, girlfriend"
1. Gave mankind fire
For the record, 10, 7, 6, 1 are patently false, and number 3 is an exaggeration (I only helped with the main bridge of the song).

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Al Gore: EIEIO

This week Mohamudd "Buddy" ElBaradei and my International Atomic Energy Agency (EIEIO) won the 2005 Nobel Peace Prize. I am deeply honored -- The EIEIO was one of my greatest successes, single handedly stopping nuclear weapons from spreading into Monaco, Liechtenstein, Luxenberg, and the Vatican. Hats off to you Moe! Hats off!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Al Gore: Gore, Al Gore

Well, my Hollywood negotiations fell through, dear readers, and now I can tell you the whole sad story.
LOS ANGELES/LONDON (Reuters) - Aptly enough for the world's most famous spy, the decision on who replaces Pierce Brosnan as the next James Bond remains a mystery just weeks, possibly days, ahead of an official announcement.
I was to play James Bond. I'd lost 3 pounds, starting running to breakfast, and, in general, was standing up more, in an effort that, only now do I realize, was in vein. I'd planned to bring a more southern feel to Bond. Out with the tuxedos, and in with my Vera Wang sears sucker suit. Out with the martinis, and in with the whiskey and sak-e. Unfortunately Producer Barbara Broccoli (incidentally my three favorite words in the English language) wanted "proper" English accents. I spent weeks preparing. I even watched Braveheart to get the european accents down, but it was all for bollocks, and not the dog's bollock's mind you. Maybe I can give these damn martini glasses to Tipper for her birthday.

Al Gore: Online Townhall Meeting

Last night from 2-3am we had the pleasure of hosting an on-line townhall community chat with fellow humanitarian, Sean Penn. This will be the first of hopefully many Al Gore Labs-hosted townhall community meetings. Below is the transcript:

Monday, October 10th, 2:00 a.m.

ALGORE39SWM: I'm pleased to welcome all of you to this very important public meeting on the role of the internet in the opposition to the Iraq War. I'll start by introducing myself. I'm Al Gore, I was the President of the United States from December 8th, 2000 until December 12th, 2000. I helped create many breakthrough products including "e-mail"(tm) and the IonicStorm air purifier. I'm the current Chairman of the Board at Current TV and sit on several major corporations such as Apple Computers and Ronco Corporation. Our guest tonight is a star of film, stage, and music, as well as an accomplished skateboarder and puppeteer. In the last few years he has saved thousands of lives from Hurricane Katie and helped improve the quality of the pacing, music, and digital encoding of hostage videos made by Afghani freedom fighters. I will say a little bit about the procedures. This is what we call an informal public meeting. I'm wearing shorts. So with that, we're ready to begin the proceedings and we will start with a question from Florida.

MIAMI_CHAD: Hello. I'd like to say I really enjoyed your work in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and was wondering what else you've done since then.

PENN4THTS: Thanks.

ALGORE39SWM: Excuse me, Mr. Penn is here to talk about topics relevant to the blog tags "al gore", "internet", and "iraq". We move onto Kentucky.

KYJILL: Sean, what was it like to be with Madonna?

ALGORE39SWM: Please, let's stick to the issues. New York.

GARYSTEETH: Ba-ba-booey! Ba-ba-booey! Ba-ba-booey! Howard Stern Rules!

ALGORE39SWM: Boston, go.

WHITESUX: Mr. Penn, who was the leader of Iraq before Saddam Hussein, and how would you compare the three stages -- before, during, and after he was in power?

PENN4THTS: I don't know.

TIPPRCANOE: Al, get off the computer. I need to use the phone.

ALGORE39SWM: Blasted woman, I'll be off soon enough. Next, webby, go.

TENNFIDEL: Al, given that all the major war opponents in france, russia, the uk, and the un have now been exposed to have received oil-for-food kickbacks as well as lucrative business dealings with iraq -- did you and Mr. Madonna get any kickbacks?



ALGORE39SWM: I was working on Windows XP and I also had trouble getting an arabic notary.

PENN4THTS: Ah! You should have asked me! I'm an arabic notary.

ALGORE39SWM: Maybe next time! ;)

PENN4THTS: No problem. Next time ;)

ALGORE39SWM: Next webby, go.

MINDY24FITNESS: Al, boxers or briefs?

ALGORE39SWM: briefs. um, Mindy?

MINDY24FITNESS: Hey, Al, what's up?

ALGORE39SWM: oh, nothing.

MINDY24FITNESS: Sean -- big fan.

PENN4THTS: Thanks. You sound cute. what's your age/sex/location?

TIPPRCANOE: Al, get off the computer. I need to call the pizza delivery.

ALGORE39SWM: Well that's all the time we have. So with that, again, thank you very much for your participations and your interest in this community townhall meeting. And with that we are adjourned.

Monday, October 10th, 2:10 a.m.

Al Gore: Man about Town

So, for the first time in perhaps 20 years I walked into a supermarket. It was a big step for me, but I was sick of the crap the secret service jocks kept buying for me. I asked for a Sleepytime Herbal Chamomile Tea Infuser and they bring me back Lipton Green Tea! Hornswoggled, again! Enough was enough, so it was I walked into a supermarket, armed with my new Treo camera phone, as proof for the rabid vast right-wing conspiracy who thinks I live in an Ivory Tower. Doubly amusing, given that John Kerry assured me the term Ivory Tower was popularly coined by a Frenchman. They should call it Freedom Towers!

Click on images to enlarge.

I have to go shopping more often! This is amazing! GourMayo! Sure they spelled Gore wrong, but it's by a company called "French" and it's got wasabi (that's taco sauce for japanese burritos called 'sushi'). It says it's great for Dips, so I'm all over it! Also good for Spreads. Have to tell Mindy from the gym about it.
When did Condi get a boyfriend?
Wow, she sort of looks like Hillary. I find that highly disturbing, and, yet, intoxicating.
Don't drink the punch! Har Har! I did! I did! Wheeeeeeeeeee! Look at me, look at me! I'm Batman! Whee!
Tipper didn't seem to appreciate her anniversary present. Some women are so hard to please. Don't read into that. Stop it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Al Gore: Speaking Gig: Mortgage Title Association

Later this week I have a paid speaking gig at the American Mortgage Title Holders Association. A real fun group of people. But I need some good opening jokes to win them over. Here's some I came up with. Constructive, supportive criticism please.
  • Our house was more covered with mortgages than Tipper was with paint!
  • After I won the election but lost the "official" persidency, I was depressed and thought that no one cared if I was alive. Then I missed a couple of house payments. They cared.
  • I listed our old house as a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years I hadn't fixed a darn thing! Right, Tipper?
  • My current house is only 5 minutes from shopping . . .if you've got an airplane. Which I do! Caviar, anyone? Tee Hee.
Tipper, call my good friend Mitch Hedberg to see if he can punch up these lame jokes. Damn. How could he die on me! Damn! OK, call up Carrot-top.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Al Gore: Word of the Week: Honeyfuggle

We're going to be trying a new feature today. I'll introduce you to some of my more favorite words. I've found that a visual image helps in memorizing.
Word of the Week: Honeyfuggle -- to deceive by flattery or sweet-talk. For example, while Tipper is yenta'ing it up at Starbucks at 9am, I'm at the gym's cafeteria honeyfuggling Mindy. I think the visual mnemonic is self evident.

Al Gore: Gorvo TV

Today I filed the provisional patent for my 'Gorvo' device, which will revolutionize the television industry, allowing the recording of television images and audio onto a computer's so-called magnetic tape. I invented this when I was 10 years old. Attached are detailed schematics offering undeniable proof that I, Al Gore, am the inventor of both Gorvo and the I-Way, the so-called Internet. Al Gore Labs is seeking serious investors to help bring Gorvo to the masses. Must be willing to invest a minimum of $200.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Al Gore: Duller Image

Richard Thalheimer,
CEO of Sharper Image
and douchebag! Bwahaha!
So the Sharper Image claims they accept submissions for inventions, but I've submitted *two* great ideas but have not heard back from them. I have this great idea for a product I call IonicStorm. It's an air purifier and with aroma therapy infuser that includes a ceiling projector of psychodelic lightening bolts. If it came with mushrooms that would round out an evening. My other idea involved some chair-like devices I learned about from Vietnam's nightlife with Bill. Officially, we were there touring the Tsunami effects; unofficially, mums the word.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Al Gore: Shoes

Went to the mall to buy some shoes yesterday. The sales girl asked if they were too tight. Seems kind of personal, but I told her that I like it that way. Is that wrong?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Al Gore: Escape from San Francisco!

This sign is my plan to escape from the CurrentTV boondoggle. First I'll mention 911 and Disabled People. Then I'll veer the shows to the Left, then the far Left, then the Right, then the Left, and then I'm out of CurrentTV! Higgledy-piggledy! Free at last, Free at last, thank G-d almighty.

Al Gore: Har Har!

Reason I love the internet, number 10597!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Al Gore: German-American Day

Yipee! Today is National German-American Day. I don't know about you, but I take anything with "German" in its name seriously! To celebrate, I filled out my Jury Duty Excuse form in triplicate and signed it "The Red Barron". Then I had beer for breakfast. Tipper hates that, but she's learned that Al Gore is the man in the house. Wonder if Mindy at the gym has ever had beer for breakfast? I'll have to ask her today.

Al Gore: We Media Conference

Text of President-in-Exile's Al Gore's remarks at the We Media Conference on Wednesday in New York (boring speech I had planned to give):
I came here today because American democracy is in grave danger. It is no longer possible to ignore the strangeness of our public discourse. I know that I am the President of the United States and yet no one seems to discuss it.

How many of you, I wonder, have heard a homeless person in the last few years remark that it's almost as if America has entered "an alternate universe" without "our Fearless Leader"?

At first I thought maybe it was an aberration when three-quarters of Americans said they believed that Saddam Hussein was responsible for global warming, but now I realize it was much more, like my waistline. At first I thought the exhaustive, non-stop coverage of the Scopes Monkey trial was just an unfortunate excess that marked an unwelcome departure from the normal good sense and judgment of our news media. But now we know that it was merely an early example of a new pattern of serial obsessions that periodically take over my hopes and desires.

Are we still routinely torturing helpless prisoners, and if so, does it feel right in the wrong parts of our bodies? Does it feel right to have no ongoing discussion of abhorrent sexual behavior in the mainstream media? If the gap between polluting and non-polluting countries is widening steadily, why do we not see more poor people purchasing new efficient Toyota Pruises?

On the eve of the nation's decision to invade Iraq, our longest serving senator, Robert "Coot" Byrd of West Virginia, a former proud member of the KKK, stood on the Senate floor asked: "Where be the white women at?"

The internet (tm) (Al Gore Labs) and television -- specifically Current TV -- still completely dominates the flow of information in modern America. In fact, Americans now watch Current TV almost as much as MSNBC-2 or HBO-Telemundo-3. The German philosopher, Jurgen Habermas, describes what has happened as "the refeudalization of the public sphere." That may sound like gobbledygook, but it's a phrase that packs a lot of meaning. Gobbledygook. It's just fun to say. Say it with me. Gobbledygook. Even has a bonus of ending in Gook. Speaking of which, I love Pad Thai noodles.

The journalism profession morphed into the news business, which became the media industry, which became the conglomerates, which soon will be controlling a battalion of killer robots taking over our thetans with knowledge-responsibility-control triangles.

I don't know all the answers, but along with my partners, Tom Cruise and Hillary Duff, I am trying to work within the medium of television to recreate a multi-way conversation, whereby people can yell at their tv sets.

I want to close with the two things I've learned about the Internet that are most directly relevant to the conference that you are having here today.

First, full-motion video of women is what makes television such a powerful medium. My brain - like the brains of all vertebrates invaded by thetans - is hard-wired to immediately notice sudden movements. I'm like a ninja. Bonsai! Fourth, we must ensure by all means possible, by ninja force if need be, that this medium of democracy's future develops in the mold of Stachybotrys Chartarum, into an open and free marketplace of single-cell organisms that our Founders knew was essential to fighting off the battalion of killer robots taking over our thetans.

Al Gore: Dear Al

Dear Al --

I'm a single mom and barely make enough money to pay the rent. My boss refuses to pay me the overtime he owes me.

Signed, Anonymous

P.S. What can I do to stop global warming?
Dear Anonymous --

Thanks for your question. I'd suggest that you get some of your friends at the IRS to audit your boss. Perhaps you can tell your governor friends to get some state troopers to make a showy arrest at his place of business. If those don't work, I find that going out and getting an indulgent spa treatment, perhaps some chamomile tea, and some yoga really helps. Regarding ways in which you can stop global warming -- have your considered buying a new Toyota Prius?

Sincerely, Al

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Al Gore: Holy Piñatas!

They just discovered the first case of spying in the White House ever, and the dufus had to work on my staff in 2000! Philippino-Americano US Marine Leandro "Leonardo the Retardo" Aragoncillo, transfered classified material by "e-mail"(tm) -- one of Al Gore Labs's most successful products. I feel so violated. That shouldn't feel good, should it?

Al Gore: Rosh Ha Sha-na-na

These past two days I was at Joe's house for Rosh Ha'shanah. I'm his Yom Tov goy. I turn on lights and get free chulent. I love chulent and I love playing with light switches. Up, down, up, down. I feel a special bond with General Electric. We were both in Vietnam. I took pictures and flew to Japan for sushi (that's japanese for burritos).

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Al Gore: Snotty Hillary

Reason I love the internet, number 10598!! The Hillary Clinton Egg Yolk separator! Got to find one of these with Tipper's head. Har Har!