Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Jesse Jackson: Tookie and Mookie

Good evening internet users and abusers. I'm here in a missionary position to urge you to write to your local U.N. Representative to try to get Stanley "Tookie" Williams released from San Quentin State Prison's death row. Tookie is no monster. Cookie is a monster. Mookie is a monster. But not Tookie, No Siree. With my fellow campaigner, Bianca "Kookie" Jagger, I trying to get Tookie released, not fleeced or deceased. He's being persecuted, electrocuted, and executed, just because he was a founder, left to flounder, of the Crypts street gang bang. I am this Crypt's keeper, and he just had bad lawyers, like Tom Sawyer, and Big Jim, sent down a river boat to hang, as he sang, Mr. Bojangles, isosceles triangles.

Dr. Rev. Jesse Jackson, Sr., d.d.s.

Bono: Sunglasses

I got Al to buy my 4B (Bon-Bono-Blue-Blocker) sunglasses for the whole cabinet! If they each tell two of their friends and so on, pretty soon all of Africa will be wearin' me glasses.

[Note to all music fans: The Cranberries suck. Dolores even left the band and went off with some road manager from Duran "Suck Suck" Duran. U2 rules Ireland!]

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Bono: M & M

Reports that Eminem ignored me phone calls for help in Live 8 are making a big halabaloo about nothing. So we sent nerdly some pictures of darkies wearing his t-shirts and he still refused to call us back. What, should I cry? The really big news is that I discovered, using Al Gore's Anagram Solver TM, that "Sir Bob Geldof" is an anagram for "Old Big Bore SF" and also "Bob you're a douchebag!" and "The Boomtown who?"

Sean Penn: Welcome to my Blog

This is Speaker of the House in Exile Sean Penn and welcome to my blog. I was moved and honored when Al Gore appointed me the Speaker of the House for his government in exile, and I will do nothing to jeopardize your trust. Most of you know me as Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High so I hope this gives you some inside access to the Al Gore Government in Exile's playbook.

In the last few years we've saved thousands of lives from Hurricane Katie and helped improve the quality of the pacing, music, and digital encoding of hostage videos made by Afghani freedom fighters.

The Al Gore's InternetTM is changing the way we share information. My office has been talking a lot about some of the conversations going on in the information superhighway. So I thought, hey, online women, and then I thought, hey, I should make a dating profile. More about that later.

Let me start by first saying that we need to keep our thoughts and prayers with the victims of Hurricane Betty and Hurricane Wilma. There has been a lot of damage. It's in the zillions of dollars I'm told. But we were better prepared this time -- this time I brought a boat that doesn't leak! -- so the loss of life and property damage was not as bad as it could have been.

You know, we've had a rough hurricane season. All of our hurricanes have dealt a serious economic blow to the U.S. And that means we're going to have to do some belt-tightening -- throughout the federal government in exile. We've already let Whoopi Goldberg go.

Speaking of the Hurricane season, I understand that in New Orleans, there's a run on flat house paint! My bad. Seriously, there have been reports that paying for Hurricane Katrina may cost upwards of $250 zilion. I can assure you that we're not going to spend $250 zillion - it's not going to cost that much. Congress-in-Exile has already passed legislation that provided $62.5 zillion worth of immediate comic relief to help the Gulf Coast get back on its feet. Part of that money to made sure that Robbin Williams will be fed, have power and clean water to drink -- basic necessities that we all take for granted. What we don't need to do is to spend more money now on Carrot-top and worry about how to pay for him later.

We want some answers and you folks out there in the geocities do too. When are solar-powered coal-refineries going to be built here in America? When is the energy of the moon going to be harnessed?

Well, there you have it folks. I've outlined some of our priorities: fecal responsibility and synergy. I'm going to keep updating this from time to time. It's not that bad.

Looks like this old stoner can still learn a thing or two. Until next time . .


Al Gore: Exercise

I love exercise. You can exercise almost anywhere and any time -- while being driven to the gym, at your desk or watching CurrentTV. Best of all, I like to exercise my pelvic muscles. Just pull in (like you're trying to stop peeing because someone entered the bathroom and you don't want them to know you're in the stall). I hold my squeezes for 10 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds. Weak pelvic muscles often lead to urine leakage so Tipper and I like to exercise before our drinking blackouts (we call it -- Time Traveling to the Future).

I keep a Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log conveniently alongside my Daily Affirmations, which help me control the anger. I used to stuff my anger and my face, and that's why I weigh three hundred pounds. But now I'm on the road to recovery, with the love of my family. I learned what love is from my parents. You find that one special person who was placed on this planet just for you, and then you put them through forty years of living hell.

Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log
    Athlete:    Al   . I exercised my pelvic muscles ______ times daily. I spent _____ minutes exercising. At each exercise session, I contracted my pelvic muscles _____ times. Afterwards I had _____ beers and passed out for _____ hours.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sandra Day O'Connor: Stop mailing me!

Why is AOL mailing me all these CD's? Do I have to install them? Timmy! Can you come over on Sunday and help me install these AOL CD's. Do I need it? What is EarthLink? Also, why am I getting all these advertisements in my email? Can you see if Souter signed me up on one of his pervert lists?

Al Gore: Memoir Research

In writing my memoir, I've had to do some research. I've been trying to see what went wrong in Florida in 2000. I want to know republican women and soccor moms inside and out, top to bottom, and get behind this issue, and on top of it. So I signed up for a republican dating service, hoping to get to know these women and what makes them tick, for my research needs. I need to know their secret political turn ons. Unfortunately not a one has accepted my requests to go out on an exploratory date, so I'm having trouble getting a feel of things. I thought maybe they saw me as out of their class, so I changed my profile from "extremely handsome" to just "very handsome", and I took out the part about one of my turn-on's being armpit hair. [I do love real earthy women.] Still no one has accepted. I'm thinking about fibbing a little to get the balls rolling. You know, tell them I invented sliced bread, or something.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Unproductive morning

Whoopi sent this to me and now my whole morning is shot. I can't stop staring at this thing. So far I've managed to get a cup of coffee, but other than that it's been just me and this damn hypnotic frog. He's not going to get me to blink first. I've been up against the best and they've always blinked. It'll just take time.

Al Gore: Memoir Update

My memoir has been going well lately. I wrote three more pages this morning, right after I walked Chad. The three pages cover the formation of my government's cabinet that lasted for four days. I assigned Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. She had always refused the position, but to this day I still send official exile-government business to "Mrs. Bill Clinton, secretary". My memoir is looking like a real book. Tipper's trying to write a children's book. That's not a real book. Any book is a children's book if the kid can read. Stupid. What kind of name is Tipper, anyway?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Horoscope, Appointments, Flowerpower Rules!

Today I got my personalized online horoscope, to start my day off right/light/tight/outttofsightttttt! Wheeee!!!

    You are a natural diplomat, reasonable, tolerant, fair, always willing to listen to varying viewpoints, and ready to see the other side of an issue. Serious, disciplined, and quietly ambitious, you are driven to prove yourself and to achieve material accomplishments and success. Your work, your position in the world, and your contributions to society are very important to you.

And what do you know! President Al Gore and Speaker of the House Sean Penn called me this morning! Can a girl dream! Yes, twinkle toes! My nightly moonbeam confessionals seemed to have worked!! WHEEEE! I've been appointed Vice-President of the United States!! WHEEE!!! Take that Junta Cheney! Time for Sherry!

Al Gore: Youthenizer

In the last year I've put on 20 pounds and my hair has become more gray. To be perfectly frank I used to wear a male girdle and dye my hair. I used to, until my good friend Susan Sarandon said that girdles interfere with proper bowl movement and that hair dye leaks aluminum, oxidants, and radon into the scalp and brain. These days I don't have to look as dapper as I did in politics, let's be frank. Running CurrentTV out of San Francisco means that I only have to impress 20ish hippy chicks, which is a given for me. Still, a vain part of my thetan does not want to appear old when I'm on TV.

It is with this in mind that I've got those CurrentTV geeks hard at work, building me a YouthenizerTM ALGORELABS studio, which will shoot me against a blue screen. The result will be video output that 1) automatically narrows my girth verses my height, 2) adjusts the contrast and brightness to remove my gray and give me a tan, and finally 3) puts me behind an inserted digital background that supports the main message I want to present (e.g. "AL Gore = Al Good"). I'm thinking about building one of these Youthenizers to shoot people in LA, NY, and DC. I could make a killing, by renting them out.

Fire up my back shaver Tipper, I'm gonna be famous again!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Al Gore: HDTV

Just got HDTV. Why did I wait -- this is the greatest! I got it so I could see some details on Desperate Housewives, but turns out the only details I can see are wrinkles. The real good news is that Bill's face looks so funny in HDTV. It was worth it just for that! Har! He's got nose hair, ear hair, huge bags under his eyes, big enough to hide an intern, his nose looks huge, and you can see those horrid red splotches of his. I love those. Sometimes when he's on tv I turn up the red hue control and make his face as red as a baboon's ass. Har har!

Al Gore: Holy Crapper!

Here's a picture of my new toilet throne I had installed last week. I use it to produce bio-diesel for my car. Speaking of which, the tank is low, so I should eat more broccoli.

The manual describes the thrown as a "throwback to the medieval era of knights, castles and fairy tale romance." I feel so royal when sit on it. Probably shouldn't write that. The broccoli also keeps Tipper away. Shouldn't write that either.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Al Gore: Funding for Education

I have to say this is the most exciting fundraising program I've seen in a long time.

Just think -- funding high school girls and Victoria Secret at the same time.
If you agree with me -- basically all you guys out there -- write your congressmen-in-exile and let them know that you would like this "Cash for Your Schools" program implemented at fine malls near you. Don't bother writing to the female congressmen. They won't get it.

On a related note, I went to the gym. My gym trainer and girl-friend, Mindy, was very helpful. Sometimes I take off my wedding ring just to look at the tan lines. I do like tan lines. Probably shouldn't write that.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Al Gore: I see dead people

Wow. Tonight Tipper and I and the geeks from CurrentTV caught the RollingStones and Metallica Concert. We felt right at home because the audience was an older crowd. The concert was even sponsored by AmeriQuest (a mortgage company), Mercedes-Benz (a car company), and Charles Schwab (a blogger). Tipper was going nuts. She kept trying to take her top off at Metallica and held up a sign that read "RIAA RULZ!!". It must have been the pot-in-the-air, because, believe-it-or-not, I felt rather loopy myself. I unbuttoned my top shirt button! Letting loose, baby! Livin' large! Speaking of pot, it's nice to see Jackie-the-Jokeman get work as the Stones's drummer. Ba-ba-booey, baby. Oh, I am so wasted...Wheeeeeeeeeee! Fetch me some alka seltzer, woman!

 Eggs light, eggs all right, take me hand, we're off to never never ranch.
Eggs light, eggs all right, take me hand, we're off to never never ranch.

What the hell is that about!?! Where's my alka seltzer, woman!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Al Gore: City of Lights

Now I understand why Paris is called the City of Lights. But seriously folks, these car fires are bad for the environment and are only increasing global warming. On a positive note, it's nice to see muslim youth turning to rioting, instead of terrorism.

Dear Citizens of France:

Le feu d'éclairage aux voitures est mauvais pour l'environnement et rend la planète plus chaude. Si vous ne vous arrêtez pas, vos ânes français et algériens seront burried par les océans se levants. Faites des femmes plus chaudes mais ne faites pas les voitures chaudes.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Al Gore: Tipper's Digital Age

So Tipper brow-beat and guilted me enough into getting her a digital camera. Here is the result Tipper's Photos. I think I'm going to be playing tech support for her digital camera spasms for the next 3 years. Why can't she get tech support from India like everyone else?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Al Gore: Secret Service Guys

So the chumps they gave me for secret service protection -- Larry and Curly -- are the rejects from protecting C. Everett Coop. Dubya must really hate me. Anyhow, these chumps keep eating all my good food. Larry picks out the raisins from my Raisin Bran, and Curly hogs the ice cream. I keep warning them. If I say the word, it's only down hill for them -- probably Mall Cop duty (see picture of your future life, guys). My only concern is that I'll get some dopes who are even worse.

Speaking of malls. Wonder if Chelsea would like to come by for a visit. Maybe I can schedule to go to London for some global warming thing and see her there. Can Bill's face get any redder? Har, Har!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Al Gore: Pride and Prejudice

Sometimes Tipper and I role play. Tipper plays Elizabeth and I play Mr. Darcy, sometimes Lady Catherine. Probably shouldn't write that.

Yesterday, I saw Chelsea on TV. It was exciting watching her grow up in the White House. Let's just say this morning I woke up with "Chelsea Morning". My secret service guys tell me that their codename for her in the White House was "Energy". Given that I'm Mr. Clean Energy, we might have a lot in common. Unless she likes Mr. Dirty Energy. Probably shouldn't write that.

Al Gore: Change Password

Scientists just discovered a third type of weed. Science is cool. Just gotta get glaucoma. Wonder if I can get that from Global Warming. //Hope so!// I didn't write that. Bill, get off the keyboard. //No!// Yes. //Say please// Please. //No!// Damn you little&^)_{quit:qshift-z-zexit&*___

Some fancy re-porters are sayin' I may Challenge Hillary in '08. Man, I ain't goin' up against that biatch. Y'all don't know it, but she's got cyborg parts. //Besides who would want to vote for old, fat, ugly me!!! AL BORE!! HAHA!!// BILL GET OFF THE COMPUTER! I'M CHANGING MY VNC PASSWORD!!

It's me again. Over the years Hillary's radiation leak has made the man insane. It's sad really... but in a really funny ha-ha way. And that red nose! That's what the buddaists call karma chameleon, but we tennesseeianites call humorous. Big ol' red nose. Har!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Al Gore: Video Game Violence

First let me say that I am 200% behind the welfare of children. If there is a child suffering, I'm right there. So it is with great disgust that I learned of a video game that is tantamount to child abuse and murder for hire. Expert Jack Thompson has bravely filed a lawsuit against Rylos Games, maker of the Starfighter video game, and Tipper and I are completely behind his efforts. Here's a brief description:

"...teenager Alex Rogan who, acting on the influence of the Starfighter video game, went on a killing rampage in an experimental Gunstar near the Frontier. Rogan has been charged in over 3000 counts of murder by the Ko’Dan Emperor...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Al Gore: Joketime

Q. How many Bush Admin. officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Bwah, har, har! Love it. Wonder if Chelsea's heard that one, that one above, about screwing, in a, uh, a, um, bulb.
Q: How many heterosexual CurrentTV employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

Bwah! I stacked that place so tight, I'm like the only available guy there for those 20ish hippy chicks.

Al Gore: Resume

I've been thinking a lot about updating my resume lately. There's sooooo much I need to add! It still says: "Vice-President, United States of America (1992-Current)"!! :) Let's see. Since 2000, I became the President of the United States (Dec 8, 2000 - Dec 12, 2000), invented ALinux (the first *real* Linux), started CurrentTV (the first cable news channel), and invented the Internet2.0. What has Bill done besides that lamn-ass memior that no one read? Should I put my PetCam start up idea on my resume? Give me feedback to decide.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Al Gore: Fermat's Last Theorem

So this weekend I was reading Diophantus by Pierre de Fermat, when I stumbled on a comment that he had found a truly marvelous math proof which the margin was too small to contain. I spent this weekend, solving it, but now, I can proudly say that I've solved Fermat's Last Theorem:
                  _              _
Let X = 0.99. So 10X = 9.99.
_ _
From this I derive that 10X - X = 9X = 9.99 - 0.99 = 9
Thus, 9X = 9, and finally, that X = 1, not 0.99!
Previous proofs were very indirect, dealing with the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture. I decided however to tackled the problem head-on.