Thursday, December 22, 2005

Al Gore: Netflix

Sometimes I use this bullypulpit of a blog to discuss the big issues -- global warming, our policy in Iraq, or CurrentTV -- but sometimes it's good to get to know each other on a humble, personal level. It's with this later reason that I present my current Netflix queue of movies:
  1. BraveHeard (just returned)
  2. Couples Yoga
  3. Verbal Advantage
  4. CNET Presents: Advanced HTML for Dummies
  5. Erkel Season 3: Disk 2
  6. Little Women
  7. NipponTV: Beginning Tea Making
  8. Battlefield Earth
Let me know of your favorites by commenting on this post.

Susan Sarandon: Blazing Saddles

With the energy crisis we really need alternative power sources. But with Global Warming, we need to worry about warming the planet. What's why I am greatly concerned about the flatulence of our arabic brothers, Qatar, Brunei, and Bahrain. My God, 37 thousand cubic feet of gas coming out of each Qatarian? Hey, Abdul -- less humous, more Beano.

Natural gas production (per capita)
  1. Qatar 37,541.2 cubic feet per person
  2. Brunei 27,795.6 cubic feet per person
  3. Bahrain 12,929.6 cubic feet per person

    ...Oh and, whitey, less back bacon and herring.

  4. Norway 11,887.7 cubic feet per person
  5. Canada 5,694.25 cubic feet per person

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Al Gore: Band Camp

Today I went to the New Upstate New York New-Age Camp (NUNYNAC) in the woods. We studied Ying/Yang, iChe, meditation, and live organism yogurts. Some in attendence lit incense, although I did not inhale. The giftshop had crystals and the missing Kitaru Live album I'd been searching for. Kitaru is a man on fire! I've now completed my Kitaru, John Tesh, Yanni, and Kenny G collections. In the afternoon, we spent 2 hours chanting and meditating. My favorite mantra we used was "Ho, Ho! Ho, Ho! Global Warming has got to go!" I really feel that our energy made a difference in the global temperature, and I've recently taken to wearing an extra undershirt in anticipation of the resulting cooler weather. I would like to encourage all my readers to try this chant and to wear an extra undershirt.

Bono: iPod nAno

Got me a new iPod nAno this week. I can't figure this bloody thing out. You dial it in a circle to go up and down in the song list? Did the British design this thing? Am I in a freaking round-about? It's made for young punks I tell you, like those punks that put salt on my lawn last week. Damn kids. Wish they'd learn some respect. I think I'm going back to me Walkman. Wonder if I can get me own satellite channel, like M&M. Radio Bono, all U2, all day. Wouldn't that be grand.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Tipper Gore: Public Apology

Given Al's recent apology, and given the Holiday Spirit, I thought I'd make my own apology. I'd like to publically apologize for my mispronounciation of the fine country of Nigeria. I only wish someone would have corrected me the first time I said it. My speech to the African-Americas Alliance mentioned it 15 times. Speaking of screw-ups, I just hope Al isn't too niggardly this year with his Xmas presents. I swear, he spent too much time around that jew lieberman. Maybe I'll light Kanza candles just to piss him off. And what's the deal with that stupid dreidel.

Peace, out.

Susan Sarandon: Pop Goes the Weasel

Well, the results are out. The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from acne per capita just popped, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lithuanian, Croatian, Danish, Mexican, and German friends is: My gosh, how do you die from acne? If they start growing and growing, for Heaven's Sake, pop them before they grow the size of watermelons and the explosion kills you. Maybe eat fewer potato chips. And clean your face. Maybe invest in some Oxy 10. My gosh. Dying from acne?

Mortality from Acne (per capita)
  1. Lithuania 0.278009 deaths per 1 million
  2. Croatia 0.22242 deaths per 1 million
  3. Denmark 0.184094 deaths per 1 million
  4. Mexico 0.0282478 deaths per 1 million
  5. Germany 0.0121314 deaths per 1 million
No going to the prom for you, Ms. Lithuania.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Al Gore: Public Apology

I'd like to apologize. In 1995 I wrote and signed the secret Gore-Chernomyrdin protocol, which allows Russia to continue to sell weapons to Iran, a country that is building nuclear weapons, and destablizing the whole world. I kept the Gore-Chernomyrdin Protocol secret until 2000, when I ran (successfully) for President. For this I apologize. In hindsight it was a foolish move. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and anyone who has seen me lately knows I am not exactly petite. But it takes a bigger man to fix his mistakes, and that is exactly what I am going to do. So it is with great courage that I humbly announce that I am officially ending Operation Count All Votes in Florida and instead focusing on Operation Get Russian Officials Drunk and to Strip Clubs So They Stop Selling Weapons to Iran. I have a calling for public service and my public awaits! I hope Tipper understands.

Bono: Me Soup

Fáilte! Slicing together video footage of the last 40 years of G8 Summits and MTV, looking for seeds of cross-pollination -- suddenly, simultaneously, on me two video monitors -- 1) the first President Bush throwing up soup in Japan and 2) a video by Maddness. I got some of me mates together and we came up with an idea, but some bloke already stole me idea! He even took Edge's idea for two ferrets singing about how much they like the moon! Damn brits. Seems like we have to go with Plan C -- doing a cover of "my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades", with the video of all the mates wearing my patented blue-blocker sunglasses. When life hands you a rabbit and some pig neck meat, you make irish rabbit stew, and make the best of it. Slán.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Bill Clinton: Le President

Under Section 5 of Article 21-19 du French civil code, citizens of states or territories over which France has ever exercised sovereignty or extended a mandate or protectorate may apply immediately for naturalization, sans le normal five-year residency requirement.
Arkansas, where I was born, was once part of French Louisiana. OMG! As a naturalized French citizen, I could run for le presidency. Just think, I could run l'Old World and Hillary could run le New World. In France, I've heard that mistresses are required. No term limits, no mistress limits, topless beaches, le Royale Cheeseburger, nuclear weapons, and closer access to bomb yugoslavia. Hot Damn! Let's do it. Ou est mon application? Bet I can get my celebrity friends to move too. Paris meet Paris meet little Billie.

Bill, you say mistresses are allowed? Can I come too, as your VP?
Sure, Jesse! Welcome aboard the Freedom Train! Wooohoo, partay!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Al Gore: I am a proud Tree-Hugger

Political Pundit Dave Barry recently wrote:
Each Forest Face is a set of facial features that you attach to a tree, thus transforming it from a boring, stiff, lifeless lump of wood like Al Gore into a tree with a vibrant personality, like the ones that threw apples at Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz."
Mr. Barry, no one wins when cheap shots are taken. They only lower the level of debate, dehumanizing us all. In the future, please refrain from attacking trees in such a blatant and racist way. I love trees and I consider trees and certain patches of berries to be among my very best friends. I take attacks against them personally. I am also troubled by the notion that trees are somehow boring without what-amounts-to plastic surgery. Do you have any idea what that does to the psyche of young female trees? It's that sort of mentality that leads to tree anorexia and cutting. Finally, I'd like to state the obvious. Occupation by human settlers on the land that Vegetation hopes to form a state, only leads to violent tree militarism against civilian targets, such as the Vegetation 1998 military operations against Sony Bono and Michael Kennedy. One World, Mr. Barry, One Species. Peace.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Susan Sarandon: Wipeout

The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from anal and rectal abscess per capita just came out, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lexembourgian, Croatian, Lithuanians, and Chilian friends is: Learn to Wipe, fellas. My gosh. Especially you Lexembougians, my gosh, you are dying at three times the rate of other countries with anal abscesses. Remember: front to back. If you need more than four wipes, try to shower. Maybe invest in some baby wipes.

Mortality from Abscess of anal and rectal regions (per capita)
  1. Luxembourg 2.13415 deaths per 1 million
  2. Croatia 0.88968 deaths per 1 million
  3. Lithuania 0.834028 deaths per 1 million
  4. Chile 0.813466 deaths per 1 million
  5. Hungary 0.79944 deaths per 1 million
  6. Estonia 0.750188 deaths per 1 million
  7. Denmark 0.736377 deaths per 1 million
  8. Moldova 0.673401 deaths per 1 million
  9. Uruguay 0.58548 deaths per 1 million
  10. Finland 0.574383 deaths per 1 million
Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi.

Tipper Gore: Alternate Names for "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"

  • "Not butter? Then what the hell did I just eat?" Spread.
  • "I still say it's butter" Spread.
  • "Al Gore Believes it's Butter" SpreadTM-ALGORELABS.
  • "After all the damage you've done to this family with your habitual lying and deceit, you have the nerve to sit there with a straight face and tell me that this isn't butter?" Spread.
  • "In the absence of actual butter, sure, I'll play along" Spread
  • "Why the hell are McSweeney's lawyer and Ken Starr calling" Spread
  • "Am I wrong about God too?" Spread.

Sean Penn: Paul Shore is Dead

What do Eminem, Corey Feldman, Britney Spears, the Hilton sisters, Ellen Degeneres and myself have in common? We're all gay! Just kidding. It's Pauly Shore! Pauly, put us all in his film "“Pauly Shore is Dead".” Here's what Pauly said:
"Sean Penn gave the best performance. Having him in the movie is pretty awesome because it's Sean Penn. It was just so awesome that he did that for me. He never does anything for people. I reached out to him and I said, 'Look this is a joke. You're like a huge Pauly Shore fan (in the film).' And he laughed because he knew that no one would ever think that."
I'd like to thank Pauly for this kind words, but I'd like to correct a few errors. First off, I do many things for other people. I personally saved thousands of african-americans in my rowboat during hurricane katy, as well as several Taliban members from being murdered by US Fascists, and millions of Kurds from being curdled. Fourthly, I actually am a huge fan of Pauly Shore and Reality TV, so when I saw this film's title, I thought maybe it would be a snuff film. Speaking of which, I need some blow. SeanPenn, out.

Al Gore: CurrentTV Board Meeting

The other day we had a board meeting at CurrentTV. Thanks to my handicapped/disabled tag (a color xerox of a friend's tag), my limos park in a loading zone, right in front. With BarCode Magic I might try to print out barcode stickers and put them on an iPod box, getting it for $4.99! Sweet! Tipper doesn't think it's too smart, but heck, can she type a 101 words a minute, in binary? I think not. My adviser, Tony (the Tiger) thinks it's great. At the board meeting, bubbleboy (that guy in the weird 2nd floor glass office) started raising a big brew-ha-ha because I'm growing some medicinal plants in his office. Then some lawyer talked about some rigmarole of paperwork. We then discussed our partnership with Google (a search engine company). I never realized that PageRank was named after Brian Page. What an ego. (Note to self: GoreRank?).

Finally, before I skedaddle, I'd like to give a notorious b.i.g. shoot out to the Doctor, the Reverend, the Senior, my Main Man -- Jesse Louis Jackson! Thank you for joining the Gore Group. Welcome aboard, brother. Salam Alaikum!