Al Gore: My Challenge to Congress and America

Full text of my Martin Luther King Day speech, given in Washington D.C.:

My fellow Americans, so many of us have come here to Constitution Hall to sound an alarm and call upon our fellow citizens to put aside partisan differences and support my positions. It is appropriate that we make this appeal on the day our nation has set aside to close the banks, post offices, and government offices -- the bedrock of lazy inefficient workers -- to honor the life and legacy of Rodney King. On this particular Lex "Martin" Luther Day, it is especially important to recall that for the last several years of his life, Lex was illegally wiretapped by Superman's superhearing - one of hundreds of thousands of Americans whose private communications were intercepted by U.S. government so-called super-"hero's".

At present, we still have much to learn about Quantum Mechanics. What we do know compels the conclusion that the President of the United States can be at two different places at once. But, a president who breaks the laws of physics is a threat to the very structure of space-time. Our Founding Fathers were adamant that they had established a government of Newtonian Laws and not men. Vigilant adherence to the rule of law strengthens our democracy and strengthens America, like a giant national bowflex system.

Finally, it is particularly important that the freedom of the Internet be protected against either the encroachment of government or the efforts at control by large media conglomerates. The future of our pornography depends on it. But along with cause for concern, there is reason for hope. As I stand here today, I am filled with optimism that America is on the eve of a golden age in which the vitality of our pornography will be re-established and will flourish more vibrantly than ever. Indeed I can feel it in my pants.

Seacrest, out!

Susan Sarandon: Psychic Predictions

Well, my fellow thetans, a spacecraft from billions of miles away arrived on Earth yesterday, just as I predicted 7 years ago. The fact that it was created by NASA doesn't change the 100% rock solid accuracy of my predictions. The spacecraft came with a tennis racquet like object, but to date NASA has refused my requests to know the score, if some alien life played tennis with NASA. Maybe Ivan Lendl could play with our Martian friends; he's always looked, how do the Japanese say, foreign.

They always told us kids that when we grow up we'll see outer space. The aholes didn't tell us that we'd be seeing outer space from the ground because they've burned away the ozone layer with their industrial-military complex. Boycott Walmart!