The Gore Group

My new book

2006-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hello Loyal Readers!

Next month I'll be publishing my second book about global warming and I'm very excited! My literary agent signed Rodale Books to publish it. I hadn't heard of them and so I did a little detective work (I love my internet!) to see what other books Rodale Books publishes.

An Amazon query of "rodale's books" best selling books turned up, in order, I kid you not...

Top Selling Rodale Books

1) The Biggest Loser: The Weight Loss Program to Transform Your Body, Health, and Life--Adapted from NBC's Hit Show!
2) Marley & Me : Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog
3) The Art of Public Speaking
4) The Abs Diet: The Six-Week Plan to Flatten Your Stomach and Keep You Lean for Life
5) Body for Life for Women: A Woman's Plan for Physical and Mental Transformation
6) The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure (Ultimate Everything!!!)

I couldn't be prouder.

Strip Mall

2006-09-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, I could get my Sleepytime Herbal Green Tea Infuser at Amazon, but until that Sharper Image dweeb or I invent a Star Trek transporter, there's only so much you can get over the net, legally. Recently I discovered the concept of a strip mall. Now before you get all bent out of shape, it isn't what I first thought. Damn. So this strip mall around the corner has a nail salon that I go to for my pedicures (Tuesday's special $5 off!). Today I just noticed that they also wax and shave! Who needs Tipper to shave my back hair! :) I'm freeee! Wheee! No more breakfast in bed for her! Get your own grape nuts, woman! Bwahaha!

CurrentTV Memo

2006-08-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

MEMO
To: CurrentTV Staff (all@current.tv)
From: Tipper Gore (tgore@current.tv)
Subject: Appearances

It has come to my attention that some of you are living in the 60's or the 90's. I don't know who does your hair, but pony tails are for young girls, not male nerds. Perhaps your regular stylist was at the Elton John Wedding, but whatever your excuse -- fix it. And ladies do not wear jeans, everyday. No wonder all the men are gay. Maybe if you put on a dress they might show an interest in you. In summary, fix up your appearance, or find your sorry ass out on the streets, moving back in with your parents in LA.

Tip

My Challenge to Congress and America

2006-01-17T08:03:00.000-08:00

Full text of my Martin Luther King Day speech, given in Washington D.C.:

Psychic Predictions

2006-01-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

Well, my fellow thetans, a spacecraft from billions of miles away arrived on Earth yesterday, just as I predicted 7 years ago. The fact that it was created by NASA doesn't change the 100% rock solid accuracy of my predictions. The spacecraft came with a tennis racquet like object, but to date NASA has refused my requests to know the score, if some alien life played tennis with NASA. Maybe Ivan Lendl could play with our Martian friends; he's always looked, how do the Japanese say, foreign.

They always told us kids that when we grow up we'll see outer space. The aholes didn't tell us that we'd be seeing outer space from the ground because they've burned away the ozone layer with their industrial-military complex. Boycott Walmart!

Netflix

2005-12-22T23:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I use this bullypulpit of a blog to discuss the big issues -- global warming, our policy in Iraq, or CurrentTV -- but sometimes it's good to get to know each other on a humble, personal level. It's with this later reason that I present my current Netflix queue of movies:

Let me know of your favorites by commenting on this post.

Blazing Saddles

2005-12-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

With the energy crisis we really need alternative power sources. But with Global Warming, we need to worry about warming the planet. What's why I am greatly concerned about the flatulence of our arabic brothers, Qatar, Brunei, and Bahrain. My God, 37 thousand cubic feet of gas coming out of each Qatarian? Hey, Abdul -- less humous, more Beano.

Natural gas production (per capita)

Qatar 37,541.2 cubic feet per person
Brunei 27,795.6 cubic feet per person
Bahrain 12,929.6 cubic feet per person

...Oh and, whitey, less back bacon and herring.

Norway 11,887.7 cubic feet per person
Canada 5,694.25 cubic feet per person

Band Camp

2005-12-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the New Upstate New York New-Age Camp (NUNYNAC) in the woods. We studied Ying/Yang, iChe, meditation, and live organism yogurts. Some in attendence lit incense, although I did not inhale. The giftshop had crystals and the missing Kitaru Live album I'd been searching for. Kitaru is a man on fire! I've now completed my Kitaru, John Tesh, Yanni, and Kenny G collections. In the afternoon, we spent 2 hours chanting and meditating. My favorite mantra we used was "Ho, Ho! Ho, Ho! Global Warming has got to go!" I really feel that our energy made a difference in the global temperature, and I've recently taken to wearing an extra undershirt in anticipation of the resulting cooler weather. I would like to encourage all my readers to try this chant and to wear an extra undershirt.

iPod nAno

2005-12-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

Got me a new iPod nAno this week. I can't figure this bloody thing out. You dial it in a circle to go up and down in the song list? Did the British design this thing? Am I in a freaking round-about? It's made for young punks I tell you, like those punks that put salt on my lawn last week. Damn kids. Wish they'd learn some respect. I think I'm going back to me Walkman. Wonder if I can get me own satellite channel, like M&M. Radio Bono, all U2, all day. Wouldn't that be grand.

Public Apology

2005-12-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

Given Al's recent apology, and given the Holiday Spirit, I thought I'd make my own apology. I'd like to publically apologize for my mispronounciation of the fine country of Nigeria. I only wish someone would have corrected me the first time I said it. My speech to the African-Americas Alliance mentioned it 15 times. Speaking of screw-ups, I just hope Al isn't too niggardly this year with his Xmas presents. I swear, he spent too much time around that jew lieberman. Maybe I'll light Kanza candles just to piss him off. And what's the deal with that stupid dreidel.

Peace, out.

Pop Goes the Weasel

2005-12-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the results are out. The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from acne per capita just popped, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lithuanian, Croatian, Danish, Mexican, and German friends is: My gosh, how do you die from acne? If they start growing and growing, for Heaven's Sake, pop them before they grow the size of watermelons and the explosion kills you. Maybe eat fewer potato chips. And clean your face. Maybe invest in some Oxy 10. My gosh. Dying from acne?

Mortality from Acne (per capita)

Lithuania 0.278009 deaths per 1 million
Croatia 0.22242 deaths per 1 million
Denmark 0.184094 deaths per 1 million
Mexico 0.0282478 deaths per 1 million
Germany 0.0121314 deaths per 1 million

No going to the prom for you, Ms. Lithuania.

Public Apology

2005-12-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

I'd like to apologize. In 1995 I wrote and signed the secret Gore-Chernomyrdin protocol, which allows Russia to continue to sell weapons to Iran, a country that is building nuclear weapons, and destablizing the whole world. I kept the Gore-Chernomyrdin Protocol secret until 2000, when I ran (successfully) for President. For this I apologize. In hindsight it was a foolish move. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and anyone who has seen me lately knows I am not exactly petite. But it takes a bigger man to fix his mistakes, and that is exactly what I am going to do. So it is with great courage that I humbly announce that I am officially ending Operation Count All Votes in Florida and instead focusing on Operation Get Russian Officials Drunk and to Strip Clubs So They Stop Selling Weapons to Iran. I have a calling for public service and my public awaits! I hope Tipper understands.

Me Soup

2005-12-12T07:17:00.000-08:00

Fáilte! Slicing together video footage of the last 40 years of G8 Summits and MTV, looking for seeds of cross-pollination -- suddenly, simultaneously, on me two video monitors -- 1) the first President Bush throwing up soup in Japan and 2) a video by Maddness. I got some of me mates together and we came up with an idea, but some bloke already stole me idea! He even took Edge's idea for two ferrets singing about how much they like the moon! Damn brits. Seems like we have to go with Plan C -- doing a cover of "my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades", with the video of all the mates wearing my patented blue-blocker sunglasses. When life hands you a rabbit and some pig neck meat, you make irish rabbit stew, and make the best of it. Slán.

Le President

2005-12-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

Under Section 5 of Article 21-19 du French civil code, citizens of states or territories over which France has ever exercised sovereignty or extended a mandate or protectorate may apply immediately for naturalization, sans le normal five-year residency requirement.

Arkansas, where I was born, was once part of French Louisiana. OMG! As a naturalized French citizen, I could run for le presidency. Just think, I could run l'Old World and Hillary could run le New World. In France, I've heard that mistresses are required. No term limits, no mistress limits, topless beaches, le Royale Cheeseburger, nuclear weapons, and closer access to bomb yugoslavia. Hot Damn! Let's do it. Ou est mon application? Bet I can get my celebrity friends to move too. Paris meet Paris meet little Billie.

Bill, you say mistresses are allowed? Can I come too, as your VP?
Sure, Jesse! Welcome aboard the Freedom Train! Wooohoo, partay!

I am a proud Tree-Hugger

2005-12-06T00:28:00.000-08:00

Political Pundit Dave Barry recently wrote:

Each Forest Face is a set of facial features that you attach to a tree, thus transforming it from a boring, stiff, lifeless lump of wood like Al Gore into a tree with a vibrant personality, like the ones that threw apples at Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz."

Mr. Barry, no one wins when cheap shots are taken. They only lower the level of debate, dehumanizing us all. In the future, please refrain from attacking trees in such a blatant and racist way. I love trees and I consider trees and certain patches of berries to be among my very best friends. I take attacks against them personally. I am also troubled by the notion that trees are somehow boring without what-amounts-to plastic surgery. Do you have any idea what that does to the psyche of young female trees? It's that sort of mentality that leads to tree anorexia and cutting. Finally, I'd like to state the obvious. Occupation by human settlers on the land that Vegetation hopes to form a state, only leads to violent tree militarism against civilian targets, such as the Vegetation 1998 military operations against Sony Bono and Michael Kennedy. One World, Mr. Barry, One Species. Peace.

Wipeout

2005-12-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

The annual list of the countries with the highest mortality from anal and rectal abscess per capita just came out, so to speak, and all I have to say to my Lexembourgian, Croatian, Lithuanians, and Chilian friends is: Learn to Wipe, fellas. My gosh. Especially you Lexembougians, my gosh, you are dying at three times the rate of other countries with anal abscesses. Remember: front to back. If you need more than four wipes, try to shower. Maybe invest in some baby wipes.

Mortality from Abscess of anal and rectal regions (per capita)

Luxembourg 2.13415 deaths per 1 million
Croatia 0.88968 deaths per 1 million
Lithuania 0.834028 deaths per 1 million
Chile 0.813466 deaths per 1 million
Hungary 0.79944 deaths per 1 million
Estonia 0.750188 deaths per 1 million
Denmark 0.736377 deaths per 1 million
Moldova 0.673401 deaths per 1 million
Uruguay 0.58548 deaths per 1 million
Finland 0.574383 deaths per 1 million

Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi.

Alternate Names for "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"

2005-12-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

"Not butter? Then what the hell did I just eat?" Spread.
"I still say it's butter" Spread.
"Al Gore Believes it's Butter" Spread^{TM-ALGORELABS}.
"After all the damage you've done to this family with your habitual lying and deceit, you have the nerve to sit there with a straight face and tell me that this isn't butter?" Spread.
"In the absence of actual butter, sure, I'll play along" Spread
"Why the hell are McSweeney's lawyer and Ken Starr calling" Spread
"Am I wrong about God too?" Spread.

Paul Shore is Dead

2005-12-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

What do Eminem, Corey Feldman, Britney Spears, the Hilton sisters, Ellen Degeneres and myself have in common? We're all gay! Just kidding. It's Pauly Shore! Pauly, put us all in his film "Pauly Shore is Dead". Here's what Pauly said:

"Sean Penn gave the best performance. Having him in the movie is pretty awesome because it's Sean Penn. It was just so awesome that he did that for me. He never does anything for people. I reached out to him and I said, 'Look this is a joke. You're like a huge Pauly Shore fan (in the film).' And he laughed because he knew that no one would ever think that."

I'd like to thank Pauly for this kind words, but I'd like to correct a few errors. First off, I do many things for other people. I personally saved thousands of african-americans in my rowboat during hurricane katy, as well as several Taliban members from being murdered by US Fascists, and millions of Kurds from being curdled. Fourthly, I actually am a huge fan of Pauly Shore and Reality TV, so when I saw this film's title, I thought maybe it would be a snuff film. Speaking of which, I need some blow. SeanPenn, out.

CurrentTV Board Meeting

2005-12-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

The other day we had a board meeting at CurrentTV. Thanks to my handicapped/disabled tag (a color xerox of a friend's tag), my limos park in a loading zone, right in front. With BarCode Magic I might try to print out barcode stickers and put them on an iPod box, getting it for $4.99! Sweet! Tipper doesn't think it's too smart, but heck, can she type a 101 words a minute, in binary? I think not. My adviser, Tony (the Tiger) thinks it's great. At the board meeting, bubbleboy (that guy in the weird 2nd floor glass office) started raising a big brew-ha-ha because I'm growing some medicinal plants in his office. Then some lawyer talked about some rigmarole of paperwork. We then discussed our partnership with Google (a search engine company). I never realized that PageRank was named after Brian Page. What an ego. (Note to self: GoreRank?).

Finally, before I skedaddle, I'd like to give a notorious b.i.g. shoot out to the Doctor, the Reverend, the Senior, my Main Man -- Jesse Louis Jackson! Thank you for joining the Gore Group. Welcome aboard, brother. Salam Alaikum!

Tookie and Mookie

2005-11-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

Good evening internet users and abusers. I'm here in a missionary position to urge you to write to your local U.N. Representative to try to get Stanley "Tookie" Williams released from San Quentin State Prison's death row. Tookie is no monster. Cookie is a monster. Mookie is a monster. But not Tookie, No Siree. With my fellow campaigner, Bianca "Kookie" Jagger, I trying to get Tookie released, not fleeced or deceased. He's being persecuted, electrocuted, and executed, just because he was a founder, left to flounder, of the Crypts street gang bang. I am this Crypt's keeper, and he just had bad lawyers, like Tom Sawyer, and Big Jim, sent down a river boat to hang, as he sang, Mr. Bojangles, isosceles triangles.

Peace,
Dr. Rev. Jesse Jackson, Sr., d.d.s.

Sunglasses

2005-11-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

I got Al to buy my 4B (Bon-Bono-Blue-Blocker) sunglasses for the whole cabinet! If they each tell two of their friends and so on, pretty soon all of Africa will be wearin' me glasses.

[Note to all music fans: The Cranberries suck. Dolores even left the band and went off with some road manager from Duran "Suck Suck" Duran. U2 rules Ireland!]

M & M

2005-11-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

Reports that Eminem ignored me phone calls for help in Live 8 are making a big halabaloo about nothing. So we sent nerdly some pictures of darkies wearing his t-shirts and he still refused to call us back. What, should I cry? The really big news is that I discovered, using Al Gore's Anagram Solver ^TM, that "Sir Bob Geldof" is an anagram for "Old Big Bore SF" and also "Bob you're a douchebag!" and "The Boomtown who?"

Welcome to my Blog

2005-11-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

This is Speaker of the House in Exile Sean Penn and welcome to my blog. I was moved and honored when Al Gore appointed me the Speaker of the House for his government in exile, and I will do nothing to jeopardize your trust. Most of you know me as Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High so I hope this gives you some inside access to the Al Gore Government in Exile's playbook.

In the last few years we've saved thousands of lives from Hurricane Katie and helped improve the quality of the pacing, music, and digital encoding of hostage videos made by Afghani freedom fighters.

The Al Gore's Internet^TM is changing the way we share information. My office has been talking a lot about some of the conversations going on in the information superhighway. So I thought, hey, online women, and then I thought, hey, I should make a dating profile. More about that later.

Let me start by first saying that we need to keep our thoughts and prayers with the victims of Hurricane Betty and Hurricane Wilma. There has been a lot of damage. It's in the zillions of dollars I'm told. But we were better prepared this time -- this time I brought a boat that doesn't leak! -- so the loss of life and property damage was not as bad as it could have been.

You know, we've had a rough hurricane season. All of our hurricanes have dealt a serious economic blow to the U.S. And that means we're going to have to do some belt-tightening -- throughout the federal government in exile. We've already let Whoopi Goldberg go.

Speaking of the Hurricane season, I understand that in New Orleans, there's a run on flat house paint! My bad. Seriously, there have been reports that paying for Hurricane Katrina may cost upwards of $250 zilion. I can assure you that we're not going to spend $250 zillion - it's not going to cost that much. Congress-in-Exile has already passed legislation that provided $62.5 zillion worth of immediate comic relief to help the Gulf Coast get back on its feet. Part of that money to made sure that Robbin Williams will be fed, have power and clean water to drink -- basic necessities that we all take for granted. What we don't need to do is to spend more money now on Carrot-top and worry about how to pay for him later.

We want some answers and you folks out there in the geocities do too. When are solar-powered coal-refineries going to be built here in America? When is the energy of the moon going to be harnessed?

Well, there you have it folks. I've outlined some of our priorities: fecal responsibility and synergy. I'm going to keep updating this from time to time. It's not that bad.

Looks like this old stoner can still learn a thing or two. Until next time . .

^Z^Z:quit!Ctrl-D^

Exercise

2005-11-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

I love exercise. You can exercise almost anywhere and any time -- while being driven to the gym, at your desk or watching CurrentTV. Best of all, I like to exercise my pelvic muscles. Just pull in (like you're trying to stop peeing because someone entered the bathroom and you don't want them to know you're in the stall). I hold my squeezes for 10 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds. Weak pelvic muscles often lead to urine leakage so Tipper and I like to exercise before our drinking blackouts (we call it -- Time Traveling to the Future).

I keep a Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log conveniently alongside my Daily Affirmations, which help me control the anger. I used to stuff my anger and my face, and that's why I weigh three hundred pounds. But now I'm on the road to recovery, with the love of my family. I learned what love is from my parents. You find that one special person who was placed on this planet just for you, and then you put them through forty years of living hell.


Daily Pelvic Muscle Exercise Log 
   Athlete:    Al   . I exercised my pelvic muscles ______ times daily. I spent _____ minutes exercising. At each exercise session, I contracted my pelvic muscles _____ times. Afterwards I had _____ beers and passed out for _____ hours.

Stop mailing me!

2005-11-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

Why is AOL mailing me all these CD's? Do I have to install them? Timmy! Can you come over on Sunday and help me install these AOL CD's. Do I need it? What is EarthLink? Also, why am I getting all these advertisements in my email? Can you see if Souter signed me up on one of his pervert lists?